Panjabe Ishboo, Boffo Dude

I deserve a Slammy

2007-01-22T00:44:00.000-05:00

Next year, the PWF needs a Best Magazine Writer Guy Slammy Award. And I would win. Panjabe will not argue about this.

Also, Dan, you're still an idiot. Not as much as Dominic Jones, but close. I challenge you to a character duel. Kanush versus Vinny V. Winner take all!

Update on the current crisis

2007-01-15T12:24:00.000-05:00

Many readers have queried me lately, asking what I have been up to while the PWF has been hiatusing due to Christian's marauding zombie hordes and the end of civilization as we know it.
Do these people not know how to read, akin to Dominic Jones? Panjabe has been busy, busy, busy! For example, just the other day, I was bebopping around all outside of the town, when a couple of kids who were up to no good started making trouble in my neighborhood! I swear, I got in one little fight, and my mom got scared.

Hahaha, that is a little joke for you dear readers who remember the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. When did Will Smith become a serious actor? This is ridiculous. To me he will always be the Fresh Prince, or occasionally the rambunctious one-liner-spouting hotshot fighter pilot from Independence Day. Will Smith in serious movies is as off-putting as it would be if, say, Mario Lopez were to star in a series of poignant dramas, or even worse, if Marc Alaimo were to not be an evil, conniving Cardassian full of plots and schemes. Or if Dominic Jones were to be something other than a fool of mythic proportions.

Note to self: check Marc Alaimo's IMDB later. Also the guy who played Garak.

Back on topic though, of course Panjabe's magazine duties have fallen by the wayside, with little in the way of new news to write about. We're all hoping that a ragtag but gritty band of survivors from all walks of life will survive the initial zombie invasion and barricade themselves behind safe walls in order to fend off the ever-growing army of the undead, and eventually manage to form a small society that would one day rise up to reclaim the Earth from the zombie hordes, at least up until the meteor hits. In the meantime, though, those of us who are not lucky enough to survive the zombie attacks are stuck in the PWF Magazine offices, without any episodes of Wargames or even Thrillzone to write about! No one is even giving any interviews, even those saucy wenches in the PWF Spirit Squad. Panjabe is, in a word, very bored. Also, angry at Dominic Jones for still being alive.

Without any articles to write, times are tough. Many methods have been attempted for staving off boredom, including but not limited to binge drinking, buffet ransacking, darts (using Dominic Jones as a dartboard), selling bootleg PWF merchandise out of the back of a van (Waldorf Gipper, I'm looking in your direction), and a few unruly employees have even resorted to a ridiculously early attempt to repopulate the species. People, don't you understand you have to wait until after the zombies are done marauding? While the attacks are still going on, you run the risk of any new children being infected, and a baby zombie is the most dangerous kind!

They're delicious, though.

Never mind. I think I hear some banging on the wall. It's either zombies breaking into the building, or the accursed Dominic Jones has figured out I locked him into the supply closet. Either way, time to beat feet!

Much calmer now

2007-01-15T11:27:00.000-05:00

Panjabe realizes now that spider-powers do not exist. This knowledge has come at great personal cost and some non-negligible amount of pain. For future reference, all of Panjabe's followers should take heed: whether you believe you have spider-powers or not, never never never attempt to use your spider-sense to aid you in sneaking into the PWF divas locker room. It will not end well for you.

Unless you really do have spider-powers, I suppose. In that case, take a camera.

So, what is next on the agenda for Panjabe Ishboo, the boffoest of all those who would call themselves boffo dudes? I do not know, but one thing is for certain - Dominic Jones is a complete tool.

We're talking, like, epic levels here.

Ishboo - out.

Words of wisdom, right here

2007-01-14T16:46:00.000-05:00

Your Job Dissatisfaction Level is 76%

Your job is a total bummer, and probably the worst job you've ever had.
Your co-workers stink. Your boss is a jerk. And your company is probably in trouble.
Think about finding a new job quickly, even if it's just a not-so-great transition job.
You've got to get out of there as quickly as you can!

Should You Quit Your Job?

Even websites do not like you, Dominic Jones.

Next PWF Champion?

2007-01-14T16:38:00.000-05:00

Your Wrestler Name Is...

Captain Angel of Death

What's Your Wrestler Name?

I need to talk to Bischoff, right away.

Huh.

2007-01-14T16:27:00.000-05:00

You Are 64% Capitalist, 36% Socialist

In general, you support a free economy and business interests.

You tend to think people should fend for themselves, even when times get tough.

However, do think the government should help those who are truly in need.

Are You a Socialist or Capitalist?

Who is the saucy lady in the picture? Is that a representation of Panjabe's economic views? If so ... that is plain weird.

Wait, what?

2007-01-14T16:22:00.000-05:00

Your 1996 Theme Song Is: Breakfast at Tiffany's by Deep Blue Something

And I said "What about Breakfast at Tiffany's?"
She said, "I think I remember the film,
And as I recall, I think, we both kinda liked it."
And I said, "Well, that's the one thing we've got."

What's Your 1996 Theme Song?

I think it's just doing this to annoy me now. Dominic Jones, I sense your hand in this!

Unacceptable!

2007-01-14T16:17:00.000-05:00

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy

In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh.
You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum.

Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

Heeeeeey! Panjabe is not crazy! The zombies really are coming! And Rob Van Dam might be one of them!

Phone call of doom!

2007-01-14T15:52:00.000-05:00

The following phone call really just took place.

Panjabe Ishboo (that's me!): Dominic Jones!

Dominic Jones (he's stupid!): What is it, Ishboo?

Me: I have spider-powers and I need to know if it's okay to use them in the NFL!

Him: What?

See, I told you he is stupid. Does he not know how to read? I have had spider-powers since yesterday!

Me: Look, Doom is not amused! Doom needs to know this!

Him: What?

Is he making fun of me? I'm so confused.

Me: You are not Steve Austin, Dominic Jones, though you are just as drunk!

Him: You don't have spider-powers.

Me: Yes I do! I have 70% proficiency with them! Also with a Green Lantern ring, but I can take that off before the game. It's the spider-powers I can't turn off. Is it okay to use them in the NFL as a quarterback? I do not know what the rules say about this!

Him: Have you been drinking?

Me: Heavily! The zombie hordes are approaching under Christian's command!

Him: CLICK

He hung up on me! I could not believe it. Well, when the zombies get here, I will point them in his direction. See how you like being eaten, Dominic Jones!

Oh wait

2007-01-14T15:38:00.000-05:00

It just came to me - it would be wrong of me to use my spider-powers in the realms of the National Football League, wouldn't it? Surely with my spider-sense I would be able to dodge all incoming sack attempts, and I would know ahead of time if I was going to be picked off.

I guess I could just throw anyway, but isn't that technically throwing the game, and just as illegal? I need some advice on this potential career choice. Little help?

Wait a minute. Why would it be wrong for me to use my spider-powers? They're not the result of drugs. Now I'm all confused.

New career?

2007-01-14T15:29:00.000-05:00

During the PWF hiatus caused by Christian and his zombie hordes, I have considered taking another job to pay the bills. Apparently I could be the starting quarterback for the Chicago Bears.

Whoops, I just threw an interception. But that's okay, because we're 10-2, with Rex as our quarterback. Inside reference?

Also, Dan, if you're reading this, you are an idiot and Final Fantasy VI does not suck.

Yeah, buddy!

2007-01-13T11:36:00.000-05:00

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man		70%
Green Lantern		70%
Catwoman		70%
Batman		60%
Hulk		60%
Iron Man		45%
Supergirl		42%
Superman		40%
Robin		39%
The Flash		35%
Wonder Woman		32%

You are intelligent, witty, a bit geeky and have great power and responsibility.

Where's my cut of the movie money, Tobey Maguire? Do not make me bust out my Dr. Doom powers on you!

Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...

Top this, Dominic Jones!

2007-01-13T11:10:00.000-05:00

Your results:
You are Dr. Doom

Dr. Doom		79%
Lex Luthor		74%
Magneto		69%
Mr. Freeze		68%
The Joker		66%
Apocalypse		64%
Dark Phoenix		55%
Green Goblin		51%
Two-Face		51%
Juggernaut		47%
Kingpin		43%
Venom		42%
Poison Ivy		40%
Riddler		40%
Catwoman		34%
Mystique		23%

Blessed with smarts and power but burdened by vanity.

Panjabe is going to lord this one over you forever, Jones. You and the rest of the accursed PWF Magazine staff shall rue the day you crossed the ruler of Latveria! And no funny business, as Panjabe apparently also has 55% of the all-powerful Phoenix Force at his disposal, and maybe even an evil space symbiote posing as clothing! Basically, Panjabe is one bad dude, and for Dominic Jones to even attempt to step to me is sad and pathetic!

Click here to take the Super Villain Personality Test

PWF retro rewind

2007-01-03T16:57:00.000-05:00

So, as many of Panjabe's dozens and dozens of fans know, the Professional Wrestling Federation is currently in a state of hiatusing due to the vicious Christian and his necromantic ways. Even now, as I type these words, he is scheming to raise an army of zombies from the dead to conquer the planet. We must not let this happen, my friends. We need a plan. A zombie plan.

And what better way to fend off marauding zombie hordes than with some retrograde PanjabeTV? That's right, I got in touch with the producers of my fine, fine program, and have procured a transcript of the latest and greatest edition of PanjabeTV for you all to revel in. Here we go!

::We fade in on the inimitable Panjabe Ishboo in the television studio used for PanjabeTV. As always, he's grinning like an idiot.::

Panjabe Ishboo: That's right! THIS is Panjaaaaaabe Ishboo! And you are now watching PanjabeTV! No finer programming exists in all the worlds of the world, let Panjabe assure you! And even though the PWF has recently invested in the services of a hack-job, a second-rate imposter of the one and only boffoest of the boffo dudes, my spirits? They are still high. And why? Because Panjabe is a prophet. Even whilst in the midst of proclaiming my own super-hyper intelligence, as the few literate ones among you surely saw, in the widely-celebrated article "You Will Bow To Me," even more ultra-accurate predictions were spouted. The slack-jawed, slow-witted James Ace did indeed pull a Shawn Michaels at Nuclear Frost, but more importantly, the behind-the-scenes maneuverings flew just as fast and furiously as Panjabe knew all along! And one of those many maneuverings resulted not just in a title change, but in the return to prominence of a man so shrewd and deceptive that even the mega-brained Panjabe Ishboo was fooled into believing his lies. That man is to be Panjabe's guest here today on PanjabeTV, the new, and two-time, PWF Intercontinental Champion, newest managee of Johnny Asterix, who has never paid Panjabe even a dime, while James Ace, Mr. Perfect, and Eric Bischoff all have... here he is now, Lance Storm!

::Storm steps onto the set with the Intercontinental Championship over his shoulder.::

Panjabe Ishboo: Welcome and welcome to Lance Storm the liar, he who has made Panjabe appear less than the level twelve intellect he really and truly is! Lance Storm, new PWF Intercontinental Champion, what have you to say for yourself and your lying, lying actions and words?

Lance Storm: Ishboo, are you seriously attempting to berate me?

Panjabe Ishboo: No-sir-of-course-not-but-I-am-dismayed-at-your-lack-of-ethics.

Lance Storm: Get over it. By staging a false retirement, I've done nothing that has not been done dozens of times before by other wrestlers. At one point or another, virtually every major competitor has left wrestling for a time, not really believing it was truly over for them. Excellence in 2001. Curt Hennig in 2000. Taz, numerous times in 1997 and 1998. Even this year, Raven supposedly retired from the PWF, only to be back a month later. The only difference is that in my case, somehow people began to actually believe I was not going to return.

Panjabe Ishboo: Bah, and bah again! It is of no consequence. What matters in the here and now is that you, Lance Storm, have returned. And in two days, on Thrillzone, you begin a journey to quite possibly achieve what you failed to achieve this past January, becoming the King of the Ring. Your opponent is none other than the slightly deranged, inexplicably attired Randy Savage. I suppose the question on everyone's mind, including Panjabe's, is... Lance Storm... are you DIGGIN' IT?

Lance Storm: Am I what?

Panjabe Ishboo: You know, it is the way the Macho Man talks. OOOOH YEAH, and such things. Brother.

Lance Storm: I am not your brother.

Panjabe Ishboo: Never mind, then. What can you tell us about Randy Savage?

Lance Storm: What's to tell? He's a psychopathic follower of Raven. His actual skills are somewhat negligible. He has been neither impressive nor dominant, and I do not expect to have any trouble dispatching him on Thursday night.

Panjabe Ishboo: He has gone on record as saying that he is going to drop the biggest elbow in the world upon you. He described you as boring. This man, this Macho Man, if you will... he is a confident individual. What say you to this, here on PanjabeTV?

Lance Storm: Again, there is little to say. All well and good for him to act as if he plans to somehow defeat me on Thrillzone, but the fact is, that's not going to happen. It is not even within the realm of possibility, and anyone considering such an eventuality should immediately undergo rigorous medical testing of the highest caliber.

Panjabe Ishboo: Hmm. Panjabe takes this to mean, you think you are going to win.

Lance Storm: Are you daft, Ishboo? Of course I'm going to win. Not just this qualifying match, but the entire King of the Ring tournament. When I look oot upon the PWF now, I see something of a wasteland. The so-called PWF Champion is one of the most egregious self-promoters in wrestling history, and when one thinks of the ground that covers, it is truly a remarkable feat. His two challengers, if one is to believe rumor, are not much better. While Raven is at least a man who works hard at what he does and never surrenders, it is still true that he has had more than ample opportunities to become the PWF Champion, and he has always failed. John Cena, though... how a man like him could have been a two-time PWF Champion and even in contention for a shot in this day and age is testament to the fact that when it comes to signing matches, Eric Bischoff is quite often a witless individual. Has he forgotten how uninspired Cena looked during his reigns as champion? How the light of life barely even shone in his eyes? John Cena was nothing short of a disastrous champion, not even looking like he was trying in his two unsuccessful and, indeed, only title defenses. If these are the sort of men Eric Bischoff sees as deserving of the championship spotlight, then not only is it my desire, but my obligation as well, to force my way back into the main event and restore a sense of dignity to the proceedings.

Panjabe Ishboo: I am guessing that you are not a fan of the John Cena. Perhaps it has escaped you that he, being real, recognizes real, and of course comes full force with the intensity of ten cities live. And once rhymed "Ex" with "Ex," lest it be forgotten. ... You know, I am not a fan of the John Cena either. So let's just write him off, kay?

Lance Storm: It will be only a matter of time before he is, once again, forgotten, should he stand in my way. Not just him, though, or even Raven and James Ace. Anyone and everyone who stands between Lance Storm and the PWF Championship is a target, a victim in the making. Already, Sid Vicious and Mike Flynn have experienced that. It took only moments to single-handedly destroy both of them at Nuclear Frost, and that dominating performance was followed up by a victory over the always-notable Taz. I defeated all of my opponents at Nuclear Frost, eliminating each and every one of them from the match. There is no one else in the PWF who can claim that. Once again, I have done what nobody else could. And this Thursday, facing the only other man in any of these qualifying matches who was in the King of the Ring tournament last year, I will be the first man to take part in both the 2006 and 2007 tournaments. One more time, I will make history. A year ago, I dominated the competition and marched to the finals, only to be denied ultimate victory through the cowardice of a referee and the unmitigated gall of Dave Batista. That's twice he has stood in my way, and the fact that you do not see him in the PWF right now speaks to the fact that he knew his days would have been quite over. This year, the march will be repeated, but with a different conclusion. There is no doubt of this. Randy Savage is aboot to learn this firsthand.

Panjabe Ishboo: Still, rumor has it you yourself are also potentially in danger from female Asian attacks. Randy Savage is most adept at preventing such events. Maybe a team-up is in order, dare Panjabe dream it!?

Lance Storm: Ludicrous. Simply ludicrous.

Panjabe Ishboo: So you say.

Lance Storm: That's the way it is, Ishboo.

Panjabe Ishboo: Well, very interesting, Lance Storm the liar. THAT'S all the time we have today on PanjabeTV, GOODBYE!

::Fade out.::

Wasn't that great? So take that, Christian! You are no match for Panjabe Ishboo, internet sensation and boffoest of the boffo dudes! I don't see Dominic Jones with his very own TV show, do you? No, I did not think so! Ha, ha!

My last paycheck bounced

2007-01-03T12:30:00.000-05:00

Christian, you owe me ten bucks. VIVA LA ISHBOO!

Tis a new year

2007-01-02T06:32:00.000-05:00

And yet, the abominable Dominic Jones still plagues me. What has Panjabe done to deserve this?

New link action!

2006-12-22T23:40:00.000-05:00

That's right, fans and denizens of Panjabe's world. Already you trust me to send you to the greatest websites in the world via the links on the right-hand side of this very page. Since the day of this blog's birth, two sites have stood alone above all others, receiving the props from the boffo one, myself. Now, though, they have been joined by the always-informating TonyHomo.com, a site that at first glance is competition for Panjabe's own blog, but in reality is merely a great place to visit in its own right. The great Drew Bledsoe has launched it as a forum to speak on the many trials and tribulations of being a former starting quarterback in the National Football League, and all should go there immediately and pledge support to this great man!

Keep it up, Drew! Do not let the Romosexuals of the world keep you down!

That did not go well

2006-12-07T09:03:00.000-05:00

So I just found out there were no Indonesian ninjas. The lamentably horrible Dominic Jones was simply late, and teamed up with Eric Bischoff in an attempt to make a fool out of the boffoest of the boffo dudes! How can they do this to me? Don't they know I am Panjabe Ishboo, internet sensation and greater individual than either of them could ever be, even if they had a working Voltron lion?

Panjabe does not at all enjoy being made into the subject of fun. There will be those who shall be made to perish for this. Search your heart for that which you cherish most, and despair, for I shall come to take it from you, Dominic Jones.

Victory?

2006-12-07T08:33:00.000-05:00

Good news has struck the boffoest of the boffo dudes! As I reported to work this morning, ready and eager to summarize in text form the incredible events of Nuclear Frost, only one evening ago - and can you believe that he's the new PWF Champion? - a somber crowd greeted me. I was informed by this somber crowd that the accursed Dominic Jones, bane of good writing and worst editor ever, had been kidnapped by a team of special ops ninjas working for the Indonesian government. The rest of the office pledged that they were working to secure his release as I calloed and callayed my way up and down the hallways, most joyously indeed.

Stopping for a moment, I paused and asked when this abduction had taken place. Apparently, it happened six months ago, and no one noticed he was gone until now. I could've sworn he had assigned several onerous tasks to me during that time. Maybe the ninjas placed a fake Dominic Jones in our midst for part of that time, to prevent us from becoming too suspicious.

Well, it doesn't really matter. The point is, Panjabe Ishboo, internet sensation, has outlasted yet another editor! Take that, PWF Magazine Editor Dominic Jones! Eat it, HWA Magazine Editor Carlos Beltran! Up yours, SCW Magazine Editor Jake Malloy! You can't stop the boffo dude, you can only hope to contain me! There is no greater power in the universe than that of Panjabe Ishboo, friend to everyone but Dominic Jones!

Back in a few. I'm going to go see if Bischoff will let me be the new editor.

Your time grows short, Jones!

2006-09-27T11:35:00.000-05:00

Just as I suspected, the cowardly Dominic Jones didn't have the guts to respond to my challenge or accusations. Thus I hereby begin the campaign to remove him from power! This very morning, I boldly marched to the office of Eric Bischoff, President and owner of the Professional Wrestling Federation, to demand that Dominic Jones be fired from his post as editor of PWF Magazine, and for none other than I, Panjabe Ishboo, Boffo Dude and internet sensation, to be put in his place!

Unfortunately, he was not there, since he was already heading out for tonight's Wednesday Wargames. So I had to leave a note in the suggestion box. But it was a very fiercely-worded note, let me tell you!

Beware, Dominic Jones! Very soon, Panjabe Ishboo will take from you the job you hold so dear, so dear that you never even perform a single duty related to it! I am not to be trifled with! You sit now, fat and happy, in your office, twiddling your thumbs while the hard-working boffo dude does all the actual labor around here, but soon the shoe will be on the other foot, and once both feet are clad with footwear, marching around will prove much easier, since no longer would I need to fear stepping on any little nails or staples lying around on the carpet!

And that's another thing, Dominic Jones! Your office is a complete mess! The janitor does fine work, but only if you allow him to do so! My own office is kept impeccably clean via his excellent work. Yours is a shameful shambles. Unacceptable. Once I am editor, I will demote you to janitor's assistant. Then you will learn how to keep the workplace clean, Jones!

This is still America, right?

2006-09-26T14:09:00.000-05:00

So the willfully obtuse Dominic Jones had the temerity to confront me regarding the content of this space on the web, Panjabe's own place to put his most truthful and accurate thoughts. It seems that he is offended by my belief that he is worthy of nothing but scorn and ridicule from yours truly, the boffoest of the boffo dudes. I warned him that if he dared to step back into the arena of the pen and attempt to trade barbs with me as he did a year ago on ThePWF.com, things would go just as badly for him now as they did then.

Actually, I didn't say that. I mumbled something noncommittal and shuffled back to my office. But rest assured, denizens of Panjabe's place on the internet, that malodorous Dominic Jones is reading these words and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that to cross me is to be a step closer to death! How dare he take umbrage with my words? Doesn't he know this is the fabled America, home of free speech and freedom of the press? I am the press! I am Panjabe Ishboo!

Hey Dominic Jones, if you're so great and wonderful, how come you don't ever actually write or edit anything anymore, Mr. Editor? I do all the writing around here at PWF Magazine, ever since Waldorf Gipper died, and you just have The ThePWF.com Webmaster do all the editing now! Believe me, this is a good thing since your own grammar skills were shaky and uncouth to say the least, but where do you get off calling yourself the editor anymore, huh? Tell Panjabe that!

Maybe you don't want any of the people at ThePWF.com to know of your response, that's fine. You can just leave a comment here to answer me if you're afraid of the public knowing the truth. So tell me and the upwards of four people reading these words exactly what your problem with me is, Jones! Is it because I'm a better writer than you? Is it my stylish hair and debonair good looks, that make you look like a rodeo clown? Maybe you're just embarrassed that major superstars like Raven constantly beg on the air for me to interview them, while not even Al Snow would give you the time of day! Come clean, Dominic Jones! Let's set the record straight, once and for all!

BOO-YAH!

Rough draft

2006-09-24T14:51:00.000-05:00

"John Cena was a poor wrestler and even worse rapper who debuted at Terminal Solution in 2005, insulting far too many people and making quite a lot of enemies. Stupidly, he referred to Mr. Perfect as 'Mr. Perfection.' He went on to lose to Mike Sanders in a steel cage match, but somehow won the Battle Field when Chris Benoit, who is the devil himself, distracted Mr. Perfect at a critical juncture. Then some stuff happened that I'd rather not talk about because it involves sad times for the Perfect Team (self-proclaimed) and happy times for useless pieces of junk like Shawn Michaels. Eventually, he was murdered by Excellence at PWF Aggression and was never seen again. The End."

The uncultured Dominic Jones didn't like this version, but if you ask me, it's very accurate.

It's going to be a long day

2006-09-21T08:38:00.000-05:00

The accursed Dominic Jones has found out that the biological weapon was a ploy on my part. Damn! Now he wants me to do a retrospective on the PWF career of John Cena.

What did I do to deserve this?

Where did this envelope come from?

2006-09-21T08:14:00.000-05:00

When I got to the office this morning, I noticed something strange. There was a large manilla envelope placed atop a stack of papers I had left on my desk. We have departmental mailboxes so I don't think it is mail for me. Panjabe is quite the confused man at this point, let me tell you. No one could have gotten into my office to leave this envelope, the janitor and I have the only keys, and he is a trustworthy individual who would not leave mysterious envelopes for me. I suppose that bastard Dominic Jones could have, but he wisely does not enter my office after I told him I had deployed gene-specific biological weapons in my airspace designed to leave him as little more than a mass of slop.

That's a joke.

Maybe.

So I have no idea where this envelope came from, if it is intended for me, and if I should open it. It's clasped, not sealed, so if it contains anthrax or anything like that, I'm already doomed. It's too small to be a bomb. Hold on a second. I'm going to open it.

Corporate tax documents from the year 2004? But there wasn't even a PWF in 2004.

Now Panjabe is more confused than ever.

Outrage and shock!

2006-09-21T07:54:00.000-05:00

Those witless dunderheads at ThePWF.com have done it again! Once again, shameless editing has ripped the very heart and soul from my latest missive to the masses, the quite excellent "So Ends The Canadian Superman," a wondrous tale of the retirement of one Lance Storm! What horrible changes did they make that have altered the very meaning of my mighty, mighty words? Sit back, relax, and I will reveal all, for I am Panjabe Ishboo, the boffoest of the boffo dudes!

That despicable Dominic Jones, a man who is not my friend and never will be, instructed The Mysterious ThePWF.com Webmaster to change the two instances in which I wrote the word "September" to the abbreviated "Sept."! This is an insult I cannot forgive! Alright, the first one, I can understand. But to do it in the second instance completely undermines the dramatic impact of the entire paragraph! I will not argue about this! What sort of ridiculous fool cannot see the need for the fully-fleshed-out name of the month?

ThePWF.com, this means war.

That's riiiiight!

2006-06-15T16:58:00.000-05:00

Which Star Trek: TNG Character Are You?

Damn right. Ladies love Panjabe Ishboo.

No cyborgs are allowed in Panjabe's world

2006-06-15T00:18:00.000-05:00

Recoil was, as expected by all involved, a tremendous show. Panjabe was very impressed with the way everything went, especially in the main event. After all, it proved once and for all that there are in fact no cyborgs or robotic grapplers of any kind in the Professional Wrestling Federation. Many people may wonder exactly what I mean by that, after all, cyborgs and other such android-like individuals do not exist. Or do they?

For at Power Trip, at the beginning of May, I watched in awed silence as Rob Van Dam made his very triumphant return as the show concluded. This silence was not because I was glad to see "RVD" back in action, but rather because his mannerisms stunned Panjabe and left me breathless. This man sprinted to the ring and single-handedly laid waste to the entire Perfect Team (self-proclaimed). All of them. Even Mr. Perfect was sent running away, fleeing as if from the scene of a particularly gruesome murder. No man can do this. No human, anyway.

So my theory became born! Rob Van Dam could not be human. He had to be a cyborg of some sort, to dish out such punishment to the Perfect Team (self-proclaimed). As weeks went by, it was obvious that this was a very real possibility. First he defeated Taz, even as Mr. Perfect attempted to interfere. He even beat up Mr. Perfect! Simply unfathomable, and not in an Edge-and-Christian-talking-about-Chris-Jericho way. As Recoil approached, I waited to see if he would in fact eliminate the entire Perfect Team (self-proclaimed) from the main event single-handedly and prove me right.

Fear took hold of me. If Rob Van Dam was a cyborg, surely he was not the only one. There could be robotic menaces walking amongst us at all times, able to pass for human until a fight started! Dear readers, I do not have to tell you, the coming of a robotic apocalypse within Panjabe's lifetime was filling me with dread. So I prayed to six entire pantheons of gods that Van Dam not be a cyborg. And when Shane Douglas was actually able to pin the man, rendering him once again mortal and human in the eyes of all, I was finally able to breathe easily.

The wonderment still remains, though. Surely Rob Van Dam is no normal man. Even if he was stopped at Recoil, he still performed feats that were impossible for mere humans. So what is he? More research must be done. I am thinking perhaps a shaved wolfman. At first I thought he could be a zombie ... but everyone knows there couldn't possibly be a wrestling zombie. That'd be just plain dumb.

I will find out, though! Run while you can, Rob Van Dam! Panjabe Ishboo will learn your secrets!

Some people are not my friends

2006-06-10T02:35:00.000-05:00

Many people ask me time and time again, what is the problem between myself and PWF Magazine editor Dominic Jones? After all, Panjabe is an internet sensation and boffo dude largely because of the exposure permitted by this magazine! But you must understand, this is a matter of kindness and respect. I come here to your country, from Bombay, India, or wherever the hell I am from, and unlike the Iron Sheik, I do not do things old country way. I want to be a friend to America and the Americans, and largely, I have succeeded. But Dominic Jones, he is no friend of mine. This man dared to criticize my writings and journalistic stylings, because I disagreed with his un-thought-out, pedestrian, and all-around uninspiring opinions. A war of words began that, I am shamed to say, I may in fact have escalated rather than helped to decline. But he deserved it after daring to refer to me as a Pokemon!

Who does he think he is dealing with here? I am Panjabe Ishboo, Boffo Dude! I am not an animated creature that travels in small red-and-white balls, being released only on occasion to battle for the amusement of slow-witted children! I have written about the professional wrestling for many years now, and am proud to say that I have made an amazing sum of three hundred American dollars this year alone with my writings! Let's see you top that, Dominic Jones! I am Panjabe Ishboo!

Aside from him, everyone is great.

Unhappy Tidings Have Attacked

2006-06-09T03:36:00.000-05:00

Rotund Oklahomans have no place in wrestling! Panjabe will not argue about this!

Panjabe is here for you / X-Men 3 Review

2006-06-06T19:08:00.000-05:00

Do not think I am only going to discuss the wrestling in this space. Panjabe is a man of much wisdom who has spent many years writing about professional wrestling. It shall always dominate my life and my heart, but the numerous ages of time I have spent in this business have also lent me a certain amount of intelligence as it relates other topics. For example, I have found that if you tie a long stick to a fork, even a free plastic one from a fast-food restaurant, you can achieve the creation of a back-scratcher. This was particularly useful while I worked for Supreme Championship Wrestling under the brutal thumb of James Ace. Money was not easily found in those days, you see.

So take heart! Panjabe knows that his fans, who are numerous and legion, look forward to finding out what I have to say about a variety of subjects, not just the professional wrestling I have long documented.

Today, I saw X-Men 3. It was a movie of much death but little bloodshed. Those of you who have not seen it should go down to the previous entry for more of a preview-type post, albeit not on the matter of X-Men 3. Those of you who have seen it should continue reading. I enjoyed this movie, despite the fact that at the end of it, Psylocke numbered among the dead and Storm did not. Storm's character in this movie is somewhat annoying, as just because her mutant power allows her to make it rain any time she wants and she still looks like Halle Berry, she is upset that someone whose mutation is that their head resembles that of a chicken might not want this wonderful "gift" from the gods of genetics. Sympathy apparently was not on the curriculum at Xavier's during her time as a student. Instead she wonders who would be so "cowardly" as to not want to be freakish in appearance to the point that even ludicrous-looking men like Taz or JBL would refer to them as "weird-looking." In Storm's world, you see, everyone has, or rather should have, superheroic tendencies.

At least Magneto, who takes the same view as Storm - that a mutant cure is bad - does so for more justifiable reasons and has the benefit of being a villainous sort in the first place. Remember that the character of Magneto was a victim of such "cleansing" efforts in his youth, and so would understandably be upset at the concept of such a tactic coming to the forefront again. And as always, Magneto gets the best lines.

If anything, Panjabe believes this to be a movie that tries to do too much. It was cursed with a remarkable three directors throughout its lifetime, and the second made the ridiculous call that the Dark Phoenix saga, a storyline that carried the X-Men comic book for several years, simply was not enough material to cover an entire movie.

Panjabe will let that sink in for a moment.

Continuing on, the "mutant cure" storyline is quite well-done and would easily have filled a movie on its own, at least, if anyone on the X-Men side didn't actually agree with Magneto, which the movie made it seem like all of them but Rogue did. As it is, because of the many hands infesting the production of this film, both plots seem only half-finished. Together they make for a good enough movie, but I will always wonder how it could have been if each had been its own movie, as it should have been.

Buy Recoil! Panjabe commands it!

It's Recoil Time, Panjabe-Style

2006-06-06T16:41:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow night the PWF presents Recoil. It's one of the premiere events of the year, and as always, everyone wants to know what Panjabe thinks of it! So why don't we find out together, huh? Because Panjabe is an internet sensation who lives his life on the edge!

Match the First:
PWF Cruiserweight Championship
Johnny Walker Cruiserweight Open
Champ Johnny Walker v. Spike Dudley v. Eddie Guerrero v. Chavo Guerrero v. Matt Hardy

This fellow Johnny Walker, he impresses Panjabe. He is a man of much in the way of death-defiery. He is also going to win this match, because everyone else in it, well, they are not particularly good at the wrestling. Their performances lack gusto, and if there is one thing I like a lot of in a performance, it is gusto. So congratulations to the still-champion, Johnny Walker!

Match the Second:
3-on-1 Handicap Match
Falls Count Anywhere
Sid Vicious v. The Blue World Order

Sid taking on the whole bWo? Hello! One of them is in a hospital bed and the other two are clinically retarded. ... And then there's the problems with the bWo. Sid has multiple personalities, everyone knows this. The sad part is that all of his personalities are in fact stupid. How else can it be explained that he has challenged the entire bWo to what is essentially a hardcore bout of much in the way of disaster for the newcomer Vicious? Very few ways, I suspect. Victory? bWo.

Match the Third:
PWF Women's Championship
3-on-1 Handicap Match
Champ Kimona Wanalaya v. The Perfect Team (self-proclaimed) Playmates

Who's going to win? Who cares? All you really need to know is that this, more than any other, is a match to watch in slow motion. You know, in case of movement. Panjabe is wiggling his eyebrows suggestively even as he types, rest assured. Whatever happens in this match, I personally stand ready to comfort the defeated competitor. They deserve it, I assure you. Congratulations to whosoever the champion is after this affair of the ring!

Match the Fourth:
PWF Tag Team Championships
2-on-1 Handicap Match
Champs Money Talks v. Raven II The Crazy Man

I assure you, every Raven is crazy and Raven II is no exception. In fact, every short-handed person in a handicap match on this show is quite possibly of the insane persuasion. Yes, even Kimona, but you know what they say about those crazy chicks. Panjabe ain't playin'! Perhaps you have noticed I've neglected to really talk about this match, which is the result of an open challenge by the Perfect Team's (self-proclaimed) current tag team du joir, Ted DiBiase and Razor Ramon. There is a reason for such neglect. It is because I predict Raven II will shoot himself in the head prior to the match, thus rendering any sort of prediction on my part to be totally worthless. Congratulations to the still-champion Money Talks, as a result of forfeiture due to self-killing!

Match the Fifth:
Recoil Match
Team SEC v. Team Exec.

No match captures my fancy quite like this one. It is going to be GREAT. They had a sort of dry run at Power Trip with Edge and Christian against Eric Bischoff and Shane McMahon, and this match included nunchuks, a midget dressed like RVD, and even Earl Hebner screwing a Canadian. How can you ask for more from one match? Somehow Lance Storm and Chris Jericho have to help them TOP this ridiculously great performance. I don't know who's going to win, I don't know if Chris Jericho will retain his Million Dollar Championship, all I know is, it is going to be GREAT. Did I say that already? I did. Well, it's STILL going to be great. Panjabe demands it!

Match the Sixth:
Recoil Match
The Perfect Team (self-proclaimed) & Taz v. Team PWF

If you actually need me to explain this one to you, go hang yourself. It's Mr. Perfect versus Excellence, with a giant cast of characters surrounding it to make it seem like it's something other than Mr. Perfect versus Excellence. These are both bad men. The baddest men in the world. Only thing badder than them is Mr. T, and he's not in this match... which is too bad, because there are fools who desperately need to be pitied in this match as well. These two, Mr. Perfect and Excellence, in a truly perfect world would still be allies, but they're not. They're the bitterest of rivals now, and Panjabe both loves and hates it. Whoever wins doesn't really matter in this one, because they will collide again, guaranteed. What really matters is how they win. That's the key here.

So, that's Recoil. You will buy it, you will watch it, and you will thank me. If you know what's good for you. Until next time, this is Panjabe Ishboo, Boffo Dude and internet sensation, signing off! Dominic Jones can bite me!

The Beginning of the Sensation!

2006-06-06T12:22:00.000-05:00

Hello! This is Panjabe Ishboo, Boffo Dude and Internet Sensation! I have taken this busy time away from my work as a columnist for PWF Magazine to begin this internet "weblog!" I was talking with the Webmaster at www.ThePWF.com, and he said, "Panjabe, you should do this!" Not being one to be argumentative, I have done so. So tune in, and tune out, at your leisure, to the stylings of Panjabe Ishboo, as we stroll together through the Professional Wrestling Federation as a duo of much strolling!

More to come.