PWF retro rewind
So, as many of Panjabe's dozens and dozens of fans know, the Professional Wrestling Federation is currently in a state of hiatusing due to the vicious Christian and his necromantic ways. Even now, as I type these words, he is scheming to raise an army of zombies from the dead to conquer the planet. We must not let this happen, my friends. We need a plan. A zombie plan.
And what better way to fend off marauding zombie hordes than with some retrograde PanjabeTV? That's right, I got in touch with the producers of my fine, fine program, and have procured a transcript of the latest and greatest edition of PanjabeTV for you all to revel in. Here we go!
::We fade in on the inimitable Panjabe Ishboo in the television studio used for PanjabeTV. As always, he's grinning like an idiot.::
Panjabe Ishboo: That's right! THIS is Panjaaaaaabe Ishboo! And you are now watching PanjabeTV! No finer programming exists in all the worlds of the world, let Panjabe assure you! And even though the PWF has recently invested in the services of a hack-job, a second-rate imposter of the one and only boffoest of the boffo dudes, my spirits? They are still high. And why? Because Panjabe is a prophet. Even whilst in the midst of proclaiming my own super-hyper intelligence, as the few literate ones among you surely saw, in the widely-celebrated article "You Will Bow To Me," even more ultra-accurate predictions were spouted. The slack-jawed, slow-witted James Ace did indeed pull a Shawn Michaels at Nuclear Frost, but more importantly, the behind-the-scenes maneuverings flew just as fast and furiously as Panjabe knew all along! And one of those many maneuverings resulted not just in a title change, but in the return to prominence of a man so shrewd and deceptive that even the mega-brained Panjabe Ishboo was fooled into believing his lies. That man is to be Panjabe's guest here today on PanjabeTV, the new, and two-time, PWF Intercontinental Champion, newest managee of Johnny Asterix, who has never paid Panjabe even a dime, while James Ace, Mr. Perfect, and Eric Bischoff all have... here he is now, Lance Storm!
::Storm steps onto the set with the Intercontinental Championship over his shoulder.::
Panjabe Ishboo: Welcome and welcome to Lance Storm the liar, he who has made Panjabe appear less than the level twelve intellect he really and truly is! Lance Storm, new PWF Intercontinental Champion, what have you to say for yourself and your lying, lying actions and words?
Lance Storm: Ishboo, are you seriously attempting to berate me?
Panjabe Ishboo: No-sir-of-course-not-but-I-am-dismayed-at-your-lack-of-ethics.
Lance Storm: Get over it. By staging a false retirement, I've done nothing that has not been done dozens of times before by other wrestlers. At one point or another, virtually every major competitor has left wrestling for a time, not really believing it was truly over for them. Excellence in 2001. Curt Hennig in 2000. Taz, numerous times in 1997 and 1998. Even this year, Raven supposedly retired from the PWF, only to be back a month later. The only difference is that in my case, somehow people began to actually believe I was not going to return.
Panjabe Ishboo: Bah, and bah again! It is of no consequence. What matters in the here and now is that you, Lance Storm, have returned. And in two days, on Thrillzone, you begin a journey to quite possibly achieve what you failed to achieve this past January, becoming the King of the Ring. Your opponent is none other than the slightly deranged, inexplicably attired Randy Savage. I suppose the question on everyone's mind, including Panjabe's, is... Lance Storm... are you DIGGIN' IT?
Lance Storm: Am I what?
Panjabe Ishboo: You know, it is the way the Macho Man talks. OOOOH YEAH, and such things. Brother.
Lance Storm: I am not your brother.
Panjabe Ishboo: Never mind, then. What can you tell us about Randy Savage?
Lance Storm: What's to tell? He's a psychopathic follower of Raven. His actual skills are somewhat negligible. He has been neither impressive nor dominant, and I do not expect to have any trouble dispatching him on Thursday night.
Panjabe Ishboo: He has gone on record as saying that he is going to drop the biggest elbow in the world upon you. He described you as boring. This man, this Macho Man, if you will... he is a confident individual. What say you to this, here on PanjabeTV?
Lance Storm: Again, there is little to say. All well and good for him to act as if he plans to somehow defeat me on Thrillzone, but the fact is, that's not going to happen. It is not even within the realm of possibility, and anyone considering such an eventuality should immediately undergo rigorous medical testing of the highest caliber.
Panjabe Ishboo: Hmm. Panjabe takes this to mean, you think you are going to win.
Lance Storm: Are you daft, Ishboo? Of course I'm going to win. Not just this qualifying match, but the entire King of the Ring tournament. When I look oot upon the PWF now, I see something of a wasteland. The so-called PWF Champion is one of the most egregious self-promoters in wrestling history, and when one thinks of the ground that covers, it is truly a remarkable feat. His two challengers, if one is to believe rumor, are not much better. While Raven is at least a man who works hard at what he does and never surrenders, it is still true that he has had more than ample opportunities to become the PWF Champion, and he has always failed. John Cena, though... how a man like him could have been a two-time PWF Champion and even in contention for a shot in this day and age is testament to the fact that when it comes to signing matches, Eric Bischoff is quite often a witless individual. Has he forgotten how uninspired Cena looked during his reigns as champion? How the light of life barely even shone in his eyes? John Cena was nothing short of a disastrous champion, not even looking like he was trying in his two unsuccessful and, indeed, only title defenses. If these are the sort of men Eric Bischoff sees as deserving of the championship spotlight, then not only is it my desire, but my obligation as well, to force my way back into the main event and restore a sense of dignity to the proceedings.
Panjabe Ishboo: I am guessing that you are not a fan of the John Cena. Perhaps it has escaped you that he, being real, recognizes real, and of course comes full force with the intensity of ten cities live. And once rhymed "Ex" with "Ex," lest it be forgotten. ... You know, I am not a fan of the John Cena either. So let's just write him off, kay?
Lance Storm: It will be only a matter of time before he is, once again, forgotten, should he stand in my way. Not just him, though, or even Raven and James Ace. Anyone and everyone who stands between Lance Storm and the PWF Championship is a target, a victim in the making. Already, Sid Vicious and Mike Flynn have experienced that. It took only moments to single-handedly destroy both of them at Nuclear Frost, and that dominating performance was followed up by a victory over the always-notable Taz. I defeated all of my opponents at Nuclear Frost, eliminating each and every one of them from the match. There is no one else in the PWF who can claim that. Once again, I have done what nobody else could. And this Thursday, facing the only other man in any of these qualifying matches who was in the King of the Ring tournament last year, I will be the first man to take part in both the 2006 and 2007 tournaments. One more time, I will make history. A year ago, I dominated the competition and marched to the finals, only to be denied ultimate victory through the cowardice of a referee and the unmitigated gall of Dave Batista. That's twice he has stood in my way, and the fact that you do not see him in the PWF right now speaks to the fact that he knew his days would have been quite over. This year, the march will be repeated, but with a different conclusion. There is no doubt of this. Randy Savage is aboot to learn this firsthand.
Panjabe Ishboo: Still, rumor has it you yourself are also potentially in danger from female Asian attacks. Randy Savage is most adept at preventing such events. Maybe a team-up is in order, dare Panjabe dream it!?
Lance Storm: Ludicrous. Simply ludicrous.
Panjabe Ishboo: So you say.
Lance Storm: That's the way it is, Ishboo.
Panjabe Ishboo: Well, very interesting, Lance Storm the liar. THAT'S all the time we have today on PanjabeTV, GOODBYE!
::Fade out.::
Wasn't that great? So take that, Christian! You are no match for Panjabe Ishboo, internet sensation and boffoest of the boffo dudes! I don't see Dominic Jones with his very own TV show, do you? No, I did not think so! Ha, ha!
And what better way to fend off marauding zombie hordes than with some retrograde PanjabeTV? That's right, I got in touch with the producers of my fine, fine program, and have procured a transcript of the latest and greatest edition of PanjabeTV for you all to revel in. Here we go!
::We fade in on the inimitable Panjabe Ishboo in the television studio used for PanjabeTV. As always, he's grinning like an idiot.::
Panjabe Ishboo: That's right! THIS is Panjaaaaaabe Ishboo! And you are now watching PanjabeTV! No finer programming exists in all the worlds of the world, let Panjabe assure you! And even though the PWF has recently invested in the services of a hack-job, a second-rate imposter of the one and only boffoest of the boffo dudes, my spirits? They are still high. And why? Because Panjabe is a prophet. Even whilst in the midst of proclaiming my own super-hyper intelligence, as the few literate ones among you surely saw, in the widely-celebrated article "You Will Bow To Me," even more ultra-accurate predictions were spouted. The slack-jawed, slow-witted James Ace did indeed pull a Shawn Michaels at Nuclear Frost, but more importantly, the behind-the-scenes maneuverings flew just as fast and furiously as Panjabe knew all along! And one of those many maneuverings resulted not just in a title change, but in the return to prominence of a man so shrewd and deceptive that even the mega-brained Panjabe Ishboo was fooled into believing his lies. That man is to be Panjabe's guest here today on PanjabeTV, the new, and two-time, PWF Intercontinental Champion, newest managee of Johnny Asterix, who has never paid Panjabe even a dime, while James Ace, Mr. Perfect, and Eric Bischoff all have... here he is now, Lance Storm!
::Storm steps onto the set with the Intercontinental Championship over his shoulder.::
Panjabe Ishboo: Welcome and welcome to Lance Storm the liar, he who has made Panjabe appear less than the level twelve intellect he really and truly is! Lance Storm, new PWF Intercontinental Champion, what have you to say for yourself and your lying, lying actions and words?
Lance Storm: Ishboo, are you seriously attempting to berate me?
Panjabe Ishboo: No-sir-of-course-not-but-I-am-dismayed-at-your-lack-of-ethics.
Lance Storm: Get over it. By staging a false retirement, I've done nothing that has not been done dozens of times before by other wrestlers. At one point or another, virtually every major competitor has left wrestling for a time, not really believing it was truly over for them. Excellence in 2001. Curt Hennig in 2000. Taz, numerous times in 1997 and 1998. Even this year, Raven supposedly retired from the PWF, only to be back a month later. The only difference is that in my case, somehow people began to actually believe I was not going to return.
Panjabe Ishboo: Bah, and bah again! It is of no consequence. What matters in the here and now is that you, Lance Storm, have returned. And in two days, on Thrillzone, you begin a journey to quite possibly achieve what you failed to achieve this past January, becoming the King of the Ring. Your opponent is none other than the slightly deranged, inexplicably attired Randy Savage. I suppose the question on everyone's mind, including Panjabe's, is... Lance Storm... are you DIGGIN' IT?
Lance Storm: Am I what?
Panjabe Ishboo: You know, it is the way the Macho Man talks. OOOOH YEAH, and such things. Brother.
Lance Storm: I am not your brother.
Panjabe Ishboo: Never mind, then. What can you tell us about Randy Savage?
Lance Storm: What's to tell? He's a psychopathic follower of Raven. His actual skills are somewhat negligible. He has been neither impressive nor dominant, and I do not expect to have any trouble dispatching him on Thursday night.
Panjabe Ishboo: He has gone on record as saying that he is going to drop the biggest elbow in the world upon you. He described you as boring. This man, this Macho Man, if you will... he is a confident individual. What say you to this, here on PanjabeTV?
Lance Storm: Again, there is little to say. All well and good for him to act as if he plans to somehow defeat me on Thrillzone, but the fact is, that's not going to happen. It is not even within the realm of possibility, and anyone considering such an eventuality should immediately undergo rigorous medical testing of the highest caliber.
Panjabe Ishboo: Hmm. Panjabe takes this to mean, you think you are going to win.
Lance Storm: Are you daft, Ishboo? Of course I'm going to win. Not just this qualifying match, but the entire King of the Ring tournament. When I look oot upon the PWF now, I see something of a wasteland. The so-called PWF Champion is one of the most egregious self-promoters in wrestling history, and when one thinks of the ground that covers, it is truly a remarkable feat. His two challengers, if one is to believe rumor, are not much better. While Raven is at least a man who works hard at what he does and never surrenders, it is still true that he has had more than ample opportunities to become the PWF Champion, and he has always failed. John Cena, though... how a man like him could have been a two-time PWF Champion and even in contention for a shot in this day and age is testament to the fact that when it comes to signing matches, Eric Bischoff is quite often a witless individual. Has he forgotten how uninspired Cena looked during his reigns as champion? How the light of life barely even shone in his eyes? John Cena was nothing short of a disastrous champion, not even looking like he was trying in his two unsuccessful and, indeed, only title defenses. If these are the sort of men Eric Bischoff sees as deserving of the championship spotlight, then not only is it my desire, but my obligation as well, to force my way back into the main event and restore a sense of dignity to the proceedings.
Panjabe Ishboo: I am guessing that you are not a fan of the John Cena. Perhaps it has escaped you that he, being real, recognizes real, and of course comes full force with the intensity of ten cities live. And once rhymed "Ex" with "Ex," lest it be forgotten. ... You know, I am not a fan of the John Cena either. So let's just write him off, kay?
Lance Storm: It will be only a matter of time before he is, once again, forgotten, should he stand in my way. Not just him, though, or even Raven and James Ace. Anyone and everyone who stands between Lance Storm and the PWF Championship is a target, a victim in the making. Already, Sid Vicious and Mike Flynn have experienced that. It took only moments to single-handedly destroy both of them at Nuclear Frost, and that dominating performance was followed up by a victory over the always-notable Taz. I defeated all of my opponents at Nuclear Frost, eliminating each and every one of them from the match. There is no one else in the PWF who can claim that. Once again, I have done what nobody else could. And this Thursday, facing the only other man in any of these qualifying matches who was in the King of the Ring tournament last year, I will be the first man to take part in both the 2006 and 2007 tournaments. One more time, I will make history. A year ago, I dominated the competition and marched to the finals, only to be denied ultimate victory through the cowardice of a referee and the unmitigated gall of Dave Batista. That's twice he has stood in my way, and the fact that you do not see him in the PWF right now speaks to the fact that he knew his days would have been quite over. This year, the march will be repeated, but with a different conclusion. There is no doubt of this. Randy Savage is aboot to learn this firsthand.
Panjabe Ishboo: Still, rumor has it you yourself are also potentially in danger from female Asian attacks. Randy Savage is most adept at preventing such events. Maybe a team-up is in order, dare Panjabe dream it!?
Lance Storm: Ludicrous. Simply ludicrous.
Panjabe Ishboo: So you say.
Lance Storm: That's the way it is, Ishboo.
Panjabe Ishboo: Well, very interesting, Lance Storm the liar. THAT'S all the time we have today on PanjabeTV, GOODBYE!
::Fade out.::
Wasn't that great? So take that, Christian! You are no match for Panjabe Ishboo, internet sensation and boffoest of the boffo dudes! I don't see Dominic Jones with his very own TV show, do you? No, I did not think so! Ha, ha!
posted by Panjabe Ishboo at 4:57 PM
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